My Mom is so near to departing this world and being in the presence of Jesus. We were there last weekend and it was one of the most precious times in my life.  The first night we were there my mom wanted to be alone with me.  I sat on the edge of her bed and we talked about Heaven.  What we thought it would be like, would she recognize people and she wondered if she would miss us when she is there.  Near the end of our chat, she was very tired.  Mom asked me if she could pray for me.  I knelt by the side of her bed and she put her hands on my head and prayed for me and blessed me.  I was reminded of the blessings in the Old Testament that were given to the children of a dying patriarch.  I felt like I was on  holy ground.

My mom gave me her engagement ring.  She placed it on my finger and said "Daddy and I would find great joy in seeing you wear this."  The first symbol of their love.  The gift given as my dad promised my mom he would always be there.  A commitment that he never broke.  I put it on my finger and remembered being a little girl and wanting to try this ring on.  I used to try it on and imagine a fairy tale life.  The thing is, this ring is a symbol of commitment, not a symbol of a fairy tale life.

My parents did not have a fairy tale romance.  They had a normal and at times difficult marriage.  The walked through seasons of little money, seasons of loss, seasons of many changes and heartbreak, but they walked through it.  Neither one of them walked away.  I have learned from them that you fix what is broken, you keep your word, you forgive and you love not because someone deserves it, but because that is what God has shown us, you laugh when you want to cry, to accept difference and you give and give and give to one another.  You accept flaws and failures in one another and you believe and hope for the best.

Watching my dad care for my mom was like watching young lovers.  My dad tries to do everything my mom wants regardless of how many times he has to do it.  He gives her sips of water and reminds her of funny stories.  He is still making passes at her and she playfully rejects him.  He has done everything he possible can to show her love.  He climbs in her hospital bed and holds her when she is restless.  He gives and gives and gives.  I am amazed at his selflessness and provoked to live my life poured out like he does.

My mom's beautiful ring is now symbolizes something more to me.  Besides its symbol of their love for one another, it symbolizes what they really meant when they vowed before God  "to have and to hold, for better, for worse, in sickness or in health until death do us part."

Well done Mom and Dad, you have given me one of the the greatest gift you could...you showed me what it looks obey God and to keep His commands and to honor your vows.  I love you and know you are one of the kindest gifts God has ever given me.

Mom

I doubt anyone reads this anymore, I haven't even thought about it for a long time, but I find writing cathartic, though I don't think myself to be particularly good at it.  My Mom is very ill, she will not live much longer and it is Christmas and I want it all to be different.  Tears are my closest companion now, I have described my emotions as "paper thin."  There are times that my chest hurts right where my heart is, I mean true physical feeling, pain....longing...longing for a place and a time when there will be no more sadness and no more tears.  I long for Heaven...really long for it.

I cannot imagine my days without my Mom.  She is the one person who wants to hear all the little details about my kids and grand kids.  I have dear, dear friends, but for some reason, they think their grand kids are the best!!  My mom sides with me!  I will miss her.  I will miss laughing with her as she tells me a story or I share something some little person says.  I will miss her voice, the way she pronounces my name, her interacts with my dear dad.  I will miss her hands, hands I have always loved.   I really can't imagine her being gone.

I am so aware that what I am walking through is normal and almost all of us will go through this at some point, but I gotta tell you, it is really hard to imagine that this is normal.  It is hard to imagine that people land on their feet after this.  That life goes back to normal.  That my brain will think clearly again, my heart will heal and I will be ok.  I know I will, but it is hard to understand how that will be when my Mom is gone.

The Lord has been so kind and so near.  I have felt His presence as I break down and I have felt His presence when I am strong.  I know He loves me and is walking with me and even carrying me.  I keep reminding myself that I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death.  I won't stay there.  I won't always feel this way or cry this often.  It is just part of the journey and thankfully I know it is not the end of the story.

Wow! It has been almost a year since I blogged.  I thought my blog would take on a new look as we pursued our adoption and as some things began to stir, I didn't blog because it seemed better to not make public our process.  Yet, a year later, we still wait.  Some of you know what we are up against as we wait.  I am happy to email the situation, but don't think it is wise to blog about it.  It is a complicated situation and we ourselves don't know what is best or what should happen.  What we do know is that there are some kids we love dearly and so wish they were here going to sleep under our roof.

My heart for the fatherless has not wained in this year.  I keep praying God would show us what we are to do and just when we are ready to throw in the towel and move on, He speaks to us and we have renewed faith to wait.  So, we wait and continue to pray.  On Sunday I was reminded afresh that God is very aware of the orphan.  I read Ps. 10:17-18 and was reminded again that the Lord will do justice for the fatherless.  I just closed my eyes during worship and repeated those words over and over.  Sometimes it takes a bit for me to really believe it, especially when my experience would try to tell me otherwise.  I confessed to the Lord that I have a hard time believing that scripture.  I asked Him to help me believe and trust....my heart was sinking inside me....it just doesn't look like He is helping the fatherless ones what we love!!  I finally just had to let it go.  I prayed "I believe, help my unbelief.  I know your words are true and if they don't seem to line up with what I see, then my perspective is wrong.  I choose to trust You."  When I opened my eyes to read what the next line of the worship song was I saw "Faithful, forever you are faithful, father to the fatherless"  That was no accident.  I chuckled and said "Ok, alright (in the same manner Augie says it) I will really do choose to believe it!"

It doesn't change what we are going through.  It doesn't resolve the injustices the orphans face.  What it does is lift my gaze Godward and remind me that I cannot even begin to understand this fallen world, but my inability to comprehend does not mean He is unable to be true to His words to us.  It means I just can't understand and so I must just trust.

If you think of it, please pray for us concerning the kids we would like to adopt.  We believe that if it is God's will for them to be with us, then He will make it happen.  He is good at that!

Really, I am NOT a Crier!

"I am not a crier" I declared over breakfast with some friends, (as I tell them how I have been crying so much lately.) I, also, said that to my sister recently. Yet, in reality, I have become quite good at it. I have become what I said I wasn't. Yesterday, I could not control my tears all during worship and then all during the message at church. (this has happened a lot lately, but not in public) On the way home in the car I speak out loud to the Lord. "What in the world is going on??? Why cannot I control these tears, my life is not some tragedy." And then comically, tears pour down my face. I roll my eyes and then smile at the lady in the car next to me who is staring at me.

This morning I revisit those thoughts. I asked the Lord again "Why? Why are tears right there at every moment..am I not trusting you, is my gaze too earthly, am I being selfish, self-focused, am I lacking strength because I don't run to You, am I in unbelief??? Why am I a mess?" Of course, as I am talking with Jesus tears are dripping down my morning face (not pretty). I, then recall, that in the message yesterday Craig reminded us the Jesus will wipe away every tear and I am now trying to imagine how big the box of kleenex designated for me will need to be when I get to see Him face to face! I laugh and say out loud, good thing you own everything because You are gonna need every hankie for this girl.

As I continue to pray I feel the tender rest that only the Lord can bring and He reminds me that I asked Him to break my heart with what breaks His and help me to be His hands and feet, to help me to be faithful in whatever He calls me to regardless of the price. I realize that my tears are tied to the growing burden I feel for the fatherless, the least of these and for the wandering sheep. I so want the love of Jesus to break through and renew the brokenhearted, to bring back the prodigals, to rescue those who are enslaved by others or by sin, I want the orphan to know the security of God the Father AND the tender touch of being tucked in at night. My heart is so desiring to see God move in peoples lives in radical ways and to do the same in my life. I so want to live the rest of my life in full abandonment to Him and Him alone, and yet, in all truth, that scares the heebie geebies out of me. And then when I think that these tears are part of the new thing He is doing in me, it scares me even more. Who wants to be the crazy old lady that cries all the time???? I would so prefer the composed, solid, wise, women role!

As I wrapped up my devotions I still felt a bit confused about it all (and tears are still a flowin'), but one thing I think I came away with is that when I said I wanted my heart to reflect His heart, well I really don't think I really knew what I was really saying, and yet...I have no regrets.

Trying to Give Thanks

This year I began a Gratitude Journal. I was prompted by Ann Voskamp's blog and book One Thousand Gifts. Each day I would write things I was thankful for...coffee, family, a tender word, a child's giggle etc. I have been pretty regular in keeping up. I was learning to look for thinks to be thankful for in each day, gifts from God himself. I saw a change in my heart and my words, I felt like I was growing in gratitude. Unfortunately, I have slowed down.

In July I got stuck. It was not that I didn't see anything I was thankful for. It was just that some things happened that I didn't want to happen, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, and somethings didn't happen that I wanted, our adoption of two kids. And there is where I am stuck. I can't seem to get back in the groove of seeing each day as an opportunity to see God in things. I can't seem to get beyond things that did not go my way. So, my journal has just sat.

This morning as I was praying I was talking to the Lord about my inability to be grateful for what is, I want something else. "Help me to trust that THIS is GOOD, help me to rest in your sovereign will." If thanksgiving is the evidence of accepting whatever He gives and I am not giving thanks, then I am refusing to believe that what He gives is good and I am saying I know better than God. His Word says that He works all things for my good and that He will not withhold anything that is good for me. I go back and read this quote from One Thousand Gifts...

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies-though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God and yet God's beloved children curse it because they do not know what it is!"

Hmm, yes, I am a blasphemer when I refuse to give thanks for all that He has done and when I decide that His will is not good and perfect for me. I see my error, I repent, I ask my precious Jesus to forgive me for my pride and foolishness, He has shown me His goodness, how is it I can forget so quickly? and I begin listing again in my gratitude journal...

...cancer killing drugs

...strength in trials

...Your heart for the fatherless

...Your forgiveness of your children's errors

...a new morning

....vacations

...time with Mom and Dad

...time with my sister

...laughter with my niece and nephews

...my steadfast husband

...safe arrival home

Black Eyed Susans

I recently recalled a memory from way back. The first summer we lived in Denver I was amazed at the Black Eyed Susans that were growing all over the place. We saw them in open spaces and along the side of the road. I loved them, they displayed to me what Colorado was, a beautiful open place full of the glory of God's creation. So, naturally, when it came time to do our backyard I begged Fred to leave some of the Black Eyes Susans that had grown wildly on our property. I thought they would add to the Colorado look of the yard we were planning. He called them weeds, but I argued that they were native plants and that they would look great with the boulders in our yard. So, Fred agreed to leave a small batch in the back corners of the yard. Unfortunately, by the third year we were being overrun by my beloved flowers. They were trying to kill off everything in sight and the reality was they were out of control and they had to be dug up and thrown away. They were weeds! They were unruly and competing with the plants we were trying to cultivate in our gardens. Though they were beautiful they were capable of choking everything good in our yard. I had foolishly thought I could tame them!

The Lord brought that story to my mind recently as I thought about sin in my life. He reminded me that I think I can control it all, just like I thought I could control the weeds. I thought I could contain it to small areas of my heart and not let it get out of hand. He reminded me that I must be aggressive and root sin out, the whole plant including the root, l must work diligent to be rid of sin it will regrow. He reminded me that I am foolish to think a little won't hurt or be hard to contain. But, then I felt discouraged, I felt like I had tried to root it all out, I had tried to suffocate sin and deny it oxygen, but it keeps growing. As I sat there I felt like the Lord came along side me ever so gently are reminded me of the Black Eyed Susans, He reminded me of how we had to work had to dig deep and remove them, but then He reminded me that it was Him who provided our strength to dig and dig and the wisdom to be diligent to keep checking for new growth of the weeds. Yes, it was all of Him, apart from Him we would not have even known the yard was in danger of being a Black Eyes Susan field, it looked pretty to my eyes. We can't do anything a part from Him. And most importantly He reminded me that morning that He takes great delight in helping me and doing it for me. He loves to be my all in all. He is glorified when His power is made known in my weakness. I don't need to do it on my own, He will give me everything I need for life and godliness. He will be faithful to show me areas that need to be changed and then He is faithful to provide for me everything I need to complete the task at hand. Isn't He so good??!!

Mark 4:35-41

I took a little detour from studying the Gospel of John and hopped over to Mark for a few days. There is no reason for this, just did it on a whim. I have been stuck in Mark 4:35-41. Jesus is in a boat with the disciples, he is sleeping. A big ole Texas-like windstorm kicks up and the disciples wake Jesus and ask him "don't you care that we are perishing?" Jesus speaks "Peace, be still" the storm obeys him and then Jesus turns to his friends and says "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

There is so much here to meditate on. First, the assumption from the disciples that because they are in a storm, Jesus must not care. Isn't that an assumption I often make? In the midst of difficulty or discomfort I can be so quick to assume He is not caring. Yet, I know He can never be anything but caring for me. The Psalms are filled with promises of His care for us. We are told His eye is always on us, he cannot forsake us, he is mindful of every thing that pertains to us. If I rehearse the scriptures I will not go to the place of thinking He does not care. (On a side not, they thought they were perishing, I must remember, my days are already numbered and no one and no thing can cause me to perish unless it is the appointed moment that He already has determined.)

Then, Jesus speaks. He just speaks and the wind ceases and there is great calm. Great calm. Great calm. All He did was speak!!! No more waves, no more wind. I must be reminded of the power of His words. With a word He spoke creation into being. With a word He stops the raging storms. His words are amazingly powerful and it would do me good to pay attention to the red lettered words and recall them often.

Then, Jesus asks "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Now if I were asking someone that question I think I would be asking with exasperation and condemnation, but I bet Jesus asked it full of compassion and mercy. I bet he asked it like a mom would ask a fevered child if they were feeling any better. Concerned for their soul's well being, maybe a bit disappointed at the lack of growth in His friends, but filled with tenderhearted compassion. Ugh, I have much to learn here.

Lastly, verse 41 says "and they were filled with great fear and said to one another 'Who then is this, that even the wind and sea obey him?" CRAZY...they go from fear of the storm and begging Jesus to save them to fear of Jesus because He calmed the storm and saved them!!! They went from one fear to another. Oh, don't I do that? Once the thing I fear is resolved I can so quickly decide something else is to be concerned about. Why is it so hard to just rest and trust and know He is in control of everything, every storm, every gale, every wind, every joy, every blessing?

I am convinced the only way out of these patterns is to know the word of God. To meditate on the truths of scripture. To bask in the wonderful power the word has. To repeat it over and over and speak it to myself and to others. To have it hid in my heart that I might not sin against Him.