Mom

I doubt anyone reads this anymore, I haven't even thought about it for a long time, but I find writing cathartic, though I don't think myself to be particularly good at it.  My Mom is very ill, she will not live much longer and it is Christmas and I want it all to be different.  Tears are my closest companion now, I have described my emotions as "paper thin."  There are times that my chest hurts right where my heart is, I mean true physical feeling, pain....longing...longing for a place and a time when there will be no more sadness and no more tears.  I long for Heaven...really long for it.

I cannot imagine my days without my Mom.  She is the one person who wants to hear all the little details about my kids and grand kids.  I have dear, dear friends, but for some reason, they think their grand kids are the best!!  My mom sides with me!  I will miss her.  I will miss laughing with her as she tells me a story or I share something some little person says.  I will miss her voice, the way she pronounces my name, her interacts with my dear dad.  I will miss her hands, hands I have always loved.   I really can't imagine her being gone.

I am so aware that what I am walking through is normal and almost all of us will go through this at some point, but I gotta tell you, it is really hard to imagine that this is normal.  It is hard to imagine that people land on their feet after this.  That life goes back to normal.  That my brain will think clearly again, my heart will heal and I will be ok.  I know I will, but it is hard to understand how that will be when my Mom is gone.

The Lord has been so kind and so near.  I have felt His presence as I break down and I have felt His presence when I am strong.  I know He loves me and is walking with me and even carrying me.  I keep reminding myself that I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death.  I won't stay there.  I won't always feel this way or cry this often.  It is just part of the journey and thankfully I know it is not the end of the story.

Wow! It has been almost a year since I blogged.  I thought my blog would take on a new look as we pursued our adoption and as some things began to stir, I didn't blog because it seemed better to not make public our process.  Yet, a year later, we still wait.  Some of you know what we are up against as we wait.  I am happy to email the situation, but don't think it is wise to blog about it.  It is a complicated situation and we ourselves don't know what is best or what should happen.  What we do know is that there are some kids we love dearly and so wish they were here going to sleep under our roof.

My heart for the fatherless has not wained in this year.  I keep praying God would show us what we are to do and just when we are ready to throw in the towel and move on, He speaks to us and we have renewed faith to wait.  So, we wait and continue to pray.  On Sunday I was reminded afresh that God is very aware of the orphan.  I read Ps. 10:17-18 and was reminded again that the Lord will do justice for the fatherless.  I just closed my eyes during worship and repeated those words over and over.  Sometimes it takes a bit for me to really believe it, especially when my experience would try to tell me otherwise.  I confessed to the Lord that I have a hard time believing that scripture.  I asked Him to help me believe and trust....my heart was sinking inside me....it just doesn't look like He is helping the fatherless ones what we love!!  I finally just had to let it go.  I prayed "I believe, help my unbelief.  I know your words are true and if they don't seem to line up with what I see, then my perspective is wrong.  I choose to trust You."  When I opened my eyes to read what the next line of the worship song was I saw "Faithful, forever you are faithful, father to the fatherless"  That was no accident.  I chuckled and said "Ok, alright (in the same manner Augie says it) I will really do choose to believe it!"

It doesn't change what we are going through.  It doesn't resolve the injustices the orphans face.  What it does is lift my gaze Godward and remind me that I cannot even begin to understand this fallen world, but my inability to comprehend does not mean He is unable to be true to His words to us.  It means I just can't understand and so I must just trust.

If you think of it, please pray for us concerning the kids we would like to adopt.  We believe that if it is God's will for them to be with us, then He will make it happen.  He is good at that!