Mom

I doubt anyone reads this anymore, I haven't even thought about it for a long time, but I find writing cathartic, though I don't think myself to be particularly good at it.  My Mom is very ill, she will not live much longer and it is Christmas and I want it all to be different.  Tears are my closest companion now, I have described my emotions as "paper thin."  There are times that my chest hurts right where my heart is, I mean true physical feeling, pain....longing...longing for a place and a time when there will be no more sadness and no more tears.  I long for Heaven...really long for it.

I cannot imagine my days without my Mom.  She is the one person who wants to hear all the little details about my kids and grand kids.  I have dear, dear friends, but for some reason, they think their grand kids are the best!!  My mom sides with me!  I will miss her.  I will miss laughing with her as she tells me a story or I share something some little person says.  I will miss her voice, the way she pronounces my name, her interacts with my dear dad.  I will miss her hands, hands I have always loved.   I really can't imagine her being gone.

I am so aware that what I am walking through is normal and almost all of us will go through this at some point, but I gotta tell you, it is really hard to imagine that this is normal.  It is hard to imagine that people land on their feet after this.  That life goes back to normal.  That my brain will think clearly again, my heart will heal and I will be ok.  I know I will, but it is hard to understand how that will be when my Mom is gone.

The Lord has been so kind and so near.  I have felt His presence as I break down and I have felt His presence when I am strong.  I know He loves me and is walking with me and even carrying me.  I keep reminding myself that I walk THROUGH the valley of the shadow of death.  I won't stay there.  I won't always feel this way or cry this often.  It is just part of the journey and thankfully I know it is not the end of the story.