Really, I am NOT a Crier!

"I am not a crier" I declared over breakfast with some friends, (as I tell them how I have been crying so much lately.) I, also, said that to my sister recently. Yet, in reality, I have become quite good at it. I have become what I said I wasn't. Yesterday, I could not control my tears all during worship and then all during the message at church. (this has happened a lot lately, but not in public) On the way home in the car I speak out loud to the Lord. "What in the world is going on??? Why cannot I control these tears, my life is not some tragedy." And then comically, tears pour down my face. I roll my eyes and then smile at the lady in the car next to me who is staring at me.

This morning I revisit those thoughts. I asked the Lord again "Why? Why are tears right there at every moment..am I not trusting you, is my gaze too earthly, am I being selfish, self-focused, am I lacking strength because I don't run to You, am I in unbelief??? Why am I a mess?" Of course, as I am talking with Jesus tears are dripping down my morning face (not pretty). I, then recall, that in the message yesterday Craig reminded us the Jesus will wipe away every tear and I am now trying to imagine how big the box of kleenex designated for me will need to be when I get to see Him face to face! I laugh and say out loud, good thing you own everything because You are gonna need every hankie for this girl.

As I continue to pray I feel the tender rest that only the Lord can bring and He reminds me that I asked Him to break my heart with what breaks His and help me to be His hands and feet, to help me to be faithful in whatever He calls me to regardless of the price. I realize that my tears are tied to the growing burden I feel for the fatherless, the least of these and for the wandering sheep. I so want the love of Jesus to break through and renew the brokenhearted, to bring back the prodigals, to rescue those who are enslaved by others or by sin, I want the orphan to know the security of God the Father AND the tender touch of being tucked in at night. My heart is so desiring to see God move in peoples lives in radical ways and to do the same in my life. I so want to live the rest of my life in full abandonment to Him and Him alone, and yet, in all truth, that scares the heebie geebies out of me. And then when I think that these tears are part of the new thing He is doing in me, it scares me even more. Who wants to be the crazy old lady that cries all the time???? I would so prefer the composed, solid, wise, women role!

As I wrapped up my devotions I still felt a bit confused about it all (and tears are still a flowin'), but one thing I think I came away with is that when I said I wanted my heart to reflect His heart, well I really don't think I really knew what I was really saying, and yet...I have no regrets.

Trying to Give Thanks

This year I began a Gratitude Journal. I was prompted by Ann Voskamp's blog and book One Thousand Gifts. Each day I would write things I was thankful for...coffee, family, a tender word, a child's giggle etc. I have been pretty regular in keeping up. I was learning to look for thinks to be thankful for in each day, gifts from God himself. I saw a change in my heart and my words, I felt like I was growing in gratitude. Unfortunately, I have slowed down.

In July I got stuck. It was not that I didn't see anything I was thankful for. It was just that some things happened that I didn't want to happen, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, and somethings didn't happen that I wanted, our adoption of two kids. And there is where I am stuck. I can't seem to get back in the groove of seeing each day as an opportunity to see God in things. I can't seem to get beyond things that did not go my way. So, my journal has just sat.

This morning as I was praying I was talking to the Lord about my inability to be grateful for what is, I want something else. "Help me to trust that THIS is GOOD, help me to rest in your sovereign will." If thanksgiving is the evidence of accepting whatever He gives and I am not giving thanks, then I am refusing to believe that what He gives is good and I am saying I know better than God. His Word says that He works all things for my good and that He will not withhold anything that is good for me. I go back and read this quote from One Thousand Gifts...

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies-though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God and yet God's beloved children curse it because they do not know what it is!"

Hmm, yes, I am a blasphemer when I refuse to give thanks for all that He has done and when I decide that His will is not good and perfect for me. I see my error, I repent, I ask my precious Jesus to forgive me for my pride and foolishness, He has shown me His goodness, how is it I can forget so quickly? and I begin listing again in my gratitude journal...

...cancer killing drugs

...strength in trials

...Your heart for the fatherless

...Your forgiveness of your children's errors

...a new morning

....vacations

...time with Mom and Dad

...time with my sister

...laughter with my niece and nephews

...my steadfast husband

...safe arrival home