Really, I am NOT a Crier!

"I am not a crier" I declared over breakfast with some friends, (as I tell them how I have been crying so much lately.) I, also, said that to my sister recently. Yet, in reality, I have become quite good at it. I have become what I said I wasn't. Yesterday, I could not control my tears all during worship and then all during the message at church. (this has happened a lot lately, but not in public) On the way home in the car I speak out loud to the Lord. "What in the world is going on??? Why cannot I control these tears, my life is not some tragedy." And then comically, tears pour down my face. I roll my eyes and then smile at the lady in the car next to me who is staring at me.

This morning I revisit those thoughts. I asked the Lord again "Why? Why are tears right there at every moment..am I not trusting you, is my gaze too earthly, am I being selfish, self-focused, am I lacking strength because I don't run to You, am I in unbelief??? Why am I a mess?" Of course, as I am talking with Jesus tears are dripping down my morning face (not pretty). I, then recall, that in the message yesterday Craig reminded us the Jesus will wipe away every tear and I am now trying to imagine how big the box of kleenex designated for me will need to be when I get to see Him face to face! I laugh and say out loud, good thing you own everything because You are gonna need every hankie for this girl.

As I continue to pray I feel the tender rest that only the Lord can bring and He reminds me that I asked Him to break my heart with what breaks His and help me to be His hands and feet, to help me to be faithful in whatever He calls me to regardless of the price. I realize that my tears are tied to the growing burden I feel for the fatherless, the least of these and for the wandering sheep. I so want the love of Jesus to break through and renew the brokenhearted, to bring back the prodigals, to rescue those who are enslaved by others or by sin, I want the orphan to know the security of God the Father AND the tender touch of being tucked in at night. My heart is so desiring to see God move in peoples lives in radical ways and to do the same in my life. I so want to live the rest of my life in full abandonment to Him and Him alone, and yet, in all truth, that scares the heebie geebies out of me. And then when I think that these tears are part of the new thing He is doing in me, it scares me even more. Who wants to be the crazy old lady that cries all the time???? I would so prefer the composed, solid, wise, women role!

As I wrapped up my devotions I still felt a bit confused about it all (and tears are still a flowin'), but one thing I think I came away with is that when I said I wanted my heart to reflect His heart, well I really don't think I really knew what I was really saying, and yet...I have no regrets.