Psalm 52:9

Yesterday was a hard day. To read words that signify the evil world we live in, real words conveying the details of a real life. Not some movie or some tale from long ago. Words that reveal what our true nature is apart from Christ. My life has been so different than so many. I have never known the hand of abuse or the mental anguish of abandonment. I have never feared for lack of food or shelter. I have never been alone, never lived alone, never wondered if anyone who notice if I disappeared. I am overwhelmed this morning as I see how gentle and kind that Lord has been to me and I am left wondering why. Why is it that I have had it so easy while some have had it so hard? Why was I given to parents who loved and protected me and others were given to parents who would injure? It makes no sense to me and this morning as I began my devotions, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. I am freshly aware that I do not deserve all that I have been given and I am humbled by my heart that thinks at times that I should have more. How can a heart have such contrasting views?? My prayer for today is that I would live today with eyes wide open to God and all of His mercies toward me, that from my lips would come praise and gratitude and not grumbling, that Ps. 52:9 "I will thank you forever" would be my song today, but also that tomorrow when the words of the CPS file fade from my mind, the thanks in my heart would not.

Adoption Stuff

There is a girl in the Texas foster care system we have been eyeing since October. Last week we submitted our home study for her. Today we heard from her case worker and she sent over some files on this 16 year old and requested more info on us. It was so sad. Unfortunately, she would not be a good fit for our family and we have to reply back that we are not interested in pursuing it any further. This is so hard!!!!!

Our home study is also submitted on a young man, 17, who is a christian and desires to live with a godly family. Our case worker raves about him. We are a little late to jump in on this one, but we will try. We did not think we were interested in a boy, but after hearing about him we decided to at least make an attempt. We doubt it will lead to anything.

Tomorrow we sign final papers. I am not even sure what they are, but we will go to the agency we are using and sign stuff and then wait some more. I didn't expect this part to be so hard. I feel horrible that we have to say no to this child and I am sad that we probably are too late to pursue the boy we heard about. I need to pull away and pray and get back to the place of knowing God has already decided what child we will get and no one and no thing and no timing can change that. I wanted to just pick one and have them home with us soon, even though we have been told it doesn't go that way. I did not want to have to read horrible things that have occurred in a child's life and then say we can't do it. Seeing the effects of sin on a child is hard. If you are a young person and your mom and dad loved God and loved you and tried hard to do a good job parenting, I encourage you to thank God for that daily and don't critique your parents' shortcomings, it could have been so much worse. Just read one CPS file, you will never be the same.

First Submission

Today we submitted our home study on 2 different girls, one is 16 one is 12. Twelve is younger than we planned, but we are trying to not be closed minded. We only want one, but our case worker said to submit, submit, submit. She also said we will be receiving a ton of emails of children by the end of the week. Please pray that God will lead us to who He has for us.

Due Date

Well, today was weird. I felt like I was pregnant and it was my due date! I kept waiting for something to happen and nothing happened! No calls, no emails. No word on the adoption, but tonight we decided that tomorrow we will submit our home study for a girl we have been eyeing since October. We have no idea what we will find out about her and if we will continue to pursue her once we get more info, but we have to start somewhere. So, tomorrow, when Fred gets some time, he will call our AFS (the girl who matches us with a child) and tell her we are interested in someone and we will go from there. We are sobered and excited to move on this. Keep praying for our girl!

Adoption Update

We are now done with all of our training (less one class I need to make up) and our home study is completed and now submitted to the person who will be working to match us to a child. So, as of Monday we are cleared to begin with the process of finding the girl God has for us. This is so exciting to us and yet a bit scary. We really feel our need for God to speak to us and lead us to who He has already planned for us to love. We need your prayers!!! Actually, more than that, we need an army of enlisted prayer warriors; people willing to support us in prayer over the lengthy course of time and an ever-changing list of items for which we will desperately need God to reveal himself. Please consider committing yourself to prayer on behalf of one of "the least of these". At the present time,

Please pray-

1. that God would sovereignly work to bring His perfect choice to our family

1. that we would sense the Holy Spirits prompts as we bumble our way through this

2. that we would walk in boldness and not fear

3. that our new daughters heart would be softened to the Gospel

4. that our hearts would fill with love for her very fast

Fred will also be posting on my blog now. :) You will enjoy that! We will be using the blog as our main source of communicating what is happening with the adoption.

Thanks for supporting us and praying for us. We need you!

missing John today

I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t have any idea how life will turn out. I was the one who thinks she needs to know everything before peace can be gained. Not so true anymore. I find myself telling myself, “doesn’t matter what you think, He will do and allow just as He sees fit” and somehow, for some reason, in some way I am growing more comfortable with not knowing. Many times during the day I sent my words to Heaven, “You take it, it’s up to You” and then I nod in surrender. Had I not spoken, He would still take it and He would still rule it, but somehow in the offering I am reminded that I can’t make anything happen and I don’t know how things should be. I think I know how it all should be, but I have seen so many times that my thinking is off kilter.

There are still so many days that I wonder why life was shortened for some. I wanted them to be here longer. To see what I see and to enjoy what I am enjoying. So earthly in thought, I know, but a few more years together, could there be harm? Yet, again, this time with tears I look up and say “You took him, I miss him, they want him here still, but it is up to You. Some day I will know. I will rest for today. I will trust with quiet trust that You work only good for me.”

Then there are days when I want life shorter, that the burdens seem heavy and I gaze off looking for relief from disappointments and fear. Days when Heaven seems so far away and all I want is to be with Him, to sit close and be safe and never have to worry again. Looking up I sigh “You know what is best, I will wait.”

This morning I woke early, earlier than the loved ones, earlier than the sounds of the day and the light of sun. I sat and listened to silence and then unexpectedly I heard the train whistle, the whistle that was no longer to be, the whistle that was outlawed in my city and I smiled...I didn’t expect that to be the first sound I heard this morning, a loved sound to me. I love the train whistle and I have missed it’s presence. And in that silly moment, faith for the day crept in, faith for the future, for I did not expect the whistle, I would have said there will be no more whistle and I would have argued with you that the train whistle in Frisco is a thing of the past, but this morning, while the rest of the world laid closed eyed and unaware, He showed me that He does as He pleases, He controls and hidden in this day are surprises of how aware He is of me and though at times I cannot see it (or hear it), He is always, always showering me with His love and He is always cognizant of my life and He does hold the future in His hand and He is worthy of ever ounce of trust. And I tear up because it is no mistake that 5 minutes after writing that “I miss him” I hear the whistle and the whistle has always reminded me of him.

So, I start this day reminded to look up and surrender, to let go, to hand over all I am grasping, all I think I need to fix, all I want. I pry open my heart and pour out every fear and longing and and knowing and say “You take it Father, You are so much more able, its up to You.” And it comes
like a rush of warm air... rest for my soul.

Open for Adoption

As of Monday we will be officially an "open for adoption" home, which means a child could be matched with us very, very soon. I am excited and scared to death. The agency will begin on Monday to try to match us with a new daughter. I can't believe we are doing this!

To Give Thanks

The picture at the top of my blog shows well what Dallas has looked like lately. White, cold, barren, blustery. It is beautiful and empty at the same time. It seems like the world has stopped and nothing is occurring. The city is halted, the schools are closed, we can't drive to Target...what is this place coming to??!!! In a place that sports winter weather that bounces from 50-70 degrees, two weeks of true winter is alarming.

So, I wake this morning to sleet and the wind calling loudly that he is back. The snow falls with great determination as if it has a plan. And I realize I am home to stay today. Another day that the option to go out is not an option. So, I ponder...

When all looks frozen and dormant it there still life? Is it true that shortly the earth will thaw and I will begin to see hues of green pushing up through the dirt. Is it true that the sun will rise higher in the sky and provide longer days and warmer air? Yes, it is true. Even when the eye cannot see activity, God is active. Though I do not have eyes to see all of His activity and all of His continuing of life, I know it is true. I know it because no matter how long the winter or how cold the days, the spring has always come and the colors have always returned. Splashes of color all over. But, oh that I would have eyes to see even when life seems hidden.

That has been my new challenge, to see God in everything and to give thanks. To slow down and savor and LOOK to find Him. Where is His love pouring through to me today? Amidst the sorrows and struggles and moments of hopelessness and fears, where is He the One who calls me "precious in His sight," the One who promises that no matter what befalls me there is joy available, joy unspeakable. Where is He that One that provides the balm of Gilead, the jar for my tears, the words of truth and the sacrifice of ultimate love? I look for Him. He is findable. He longs for me to seek and find! And when I do see Him, I give thanks. Not just for what is before me, but thanks that I get to see Him. I get to see His gifts and in seeing Him and His gifts I am reminded of His infinite love for me. A love that never lets me go.

I have learned that the only thing that prevents me from seeing Him and giving thanks is when my eyes are fixed inward, on me. So, I work to look out, to see beyond, to seek. I work to wonder and think "where is He?" for I know He is near. Like the game of hide and seek I played with Annie Kate this morning, she walks around saying aloud "Where can Mimi be? I know she is here somewhere! Is she under the couch? Is she behind the door? I will find her." And the sweet 2 year old searches until she finds me and then with great delights squeals "I FOUND YOU!!!!" That is how I want to seek Him and that is the response I want to have every time I see Him, I want my response to be "I see You, thank you."

Short Update

I think it is time for an update. The holiday season came and went so fast. It was one of our simplest Christmases and it was very enjoyable. We had our "Christmas" on Christmas eve morning with our girls and their families, Tyler and Mindy were not with us this year. Then, on Christmas day we flew to Siesta Key, Florida for a week of beach time with Fred's whole family and our girls and theirs. It was a great time to reconnect!

January came and left in a blur. We did everything required for our adoption all in the month of January, less the home study which is this weekend. Then, we enter the matching process. This could be a few days or a few months and then she will be home with us. We are excited, but we are sobered more than anything. I never have seen myself as a dare devil risk taking gal. I like the known things. I like being prepared and everything going according to that plan. This adoption leaves me with so many unknowns. Yet, in the midst of my fears, I hear the voice of God whispering to me to rest and trust. I am utterly dependent on Him. I know I can't do this on my own. I worry about silly things like having to get up early every day to get her to school, or will she be bored with us, or what if she doesn't like my cooking, or what if we are weird to her. The huge things don't seem to enter my mind. Weird, I know.

I have loved seeing what this process is doing to my husband. He is reading, planning, dreaming. He has enough faith for 50 people to adopt. He is so excited and so aware of God's hand and just about every night he speaks words of great courage to me. I love that he is the go getter in this thing. His heart is so tender toward the fatherless, and his desire to do something to help the orphan crisis is so provoking. I love him.

So, if you think of us, please pray. Pray we would know the will of God. Pray we would trust in God alone regardless of how things look, pray we would rest in Him alone.