missing John today

I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t have any idea how life will turn out. I was the one who thinks she needs to know everything before peace can be gained. Not so true anymore. I find myself telling myself, “doesn’t matter what you think, He will do and allow just as He sees fit” and somehow, for some reason, in some way I am growing more comfortable with not knowing. Many times during the day I sent my words to Heaven, “You take it, it’s up to You” and then I nod in surrender. Had I not spoken, He would still take it and He would still rule it, but somehow in the offering I am reminded that I can’t make anything happen and I don’t know how things should be. I think I know how it all should be, but I have seen so many times that my thinking is off kilter.

There are still so many days that I wonder why life was shortened for some. I wanted them to be here longer. To see what I see and to enjoy what I am enjoying. So earthly in thought, I know, but a few more years together, could there be harm? Yet, again, this time with tears I look up and say “You took him, I miss him, they want him here still, but it is up to You. Some day I will know. I will rest for today. I will trust with quiet trust that You work only good for me.”

Then there are days when I want life shorter, that the burdens seem heavy and I gaze off looking for relief from disappointments and fear. Days when Heaven seems so far away and all I want is to be with Him, to sit close and be safe and never have to worry again. Looking up I sigh “You know what is best, I will wait.”

This morning I woke early, earlier than the loved ones, earlier than the sounds of the day and the light of sun. I sat and listened to silence and then unexpectedly I heard the train whistle, the whistle that was no longer to be, the whistle that was outlawed in my city and I smiled...I didn’t expect that to be the first sound I heard this morning, a loved sound to me. I love the train whistle and I have missed it’s presence. And in that silly moment, faith for the day crept in, faith for the future, for I did not expect the whistle, I would have said there will be no more whistle and I would have argued with you that the train whistle in Frisco is a thing of the past, but this morning, while the rest of the world laid closed eyed and unaware, He showed me that He does as He pleases, He controls and hidden in this day are surprises of how aware He is of me and though at times I cannot see it (or hear it), He is always, always showering me with His love and He is always cognizant of my life and He does hold the future in His hand and He is worthy of ever ounce of trust. And I tear up because it is no mistake that 5 minutes after writing that “I miss him” I hear the whistle and the whistle has always reminded me of him.

So, I start this day reminded to look up and surrender, to let go, to hand over all I am grasping, all I think I need to fix, all I want. I pry open my heart and pour out every fear and longing and and knowing and say “You take it Father, You are so much more able, its up to You.” And it comes
like a rush of warm air... rest for my soul.