We got word today that one of our options is not an option anymore. There was a 13 year old girl we were considering adopting, the workers involved in her case had narrowed it down to 2 families, us and someone else. In the end, the other family was picked. We actually feel really good about their decision, we had some hesitations, but it was still a bit hard. I want the process to be over. We have some other things brewing, but no idea if anything will pan out. So, we wait. We continue to pray for God's will and we continue to feel love and longing in our hearts for someone we haven't even met. It is crazy.

Part of me wants to remind God that this whole shenanigans was His idea and we are just trying to obey so if He could get with the program and get us a kid we would appreciate it! Then I remember that God is about the whole thing, the whole process, not just the end result. He is about fashioning all of us and teaching all of us and stretching all of us so that His glory may be revealed. Oh yeah, I remember now, it is all about Him, not me!

So tonight, I cry a bit and remind my soul that He is working and He will do it. I go back and pray over every kid we are submitted on, I relinquish my hold on my agenda, my way, my idea and my timing. And of course, I grab my my Gratitude Journal and add some more entries...

...the process

...refiner's fire

...Hand picked delays

...hope for a "yes" soon

...a few more mornings that I don't have to take someone to school

...assurance of His good will

...rest in my heart

Adoption Stuff

Well, the journey has been longer than we expected, but in all reality, it is still not a long wait. We have been praying and waiting and wondering. We have tried to live life as if everything is normal, but we can't help but add "once we get our child..." to many sentences....like "we should go on a get-a-way weekend because once we get our child we may not be able to go for a while." So, we are waiting and trying to act like nothing is going to change.

It has been a bit hard because we thought we would have had a child placed with us by now, but it is a great reminder to us that these kids have been waiting a really, really long time. Anyway, there are a couple of things brewing. It is too much info to get into and it all may fall through, but will you pray for us? Monday may be a big day for us. Please pray that our hearts would respond in faith toward God no matter what news we hear and please pray we would know God's will and obey. We are desperate know God's will and to follow it. I know He is eager to lead us.

I will fill in all the details once something is clear, it just isn't helpful to ride the emotional rollercoaster and then have to get back to everyone with details that didn't pan out.

Thanks for encouraging us so often and asking for the latest update. We feel your love and support as we continue along.

I just could not find them. I searched and racked my brain, when did I wear them last?? How long have my favorite pair of flip flops been missing? I back track...I ask my girls "What was I wearing on Saturday? Oh, yes my Old Navy pink shirt, did I have on my brown flip flops?" Then a call to another girl "Can you ask Violet if she remembers me wearing my flip flops or if she saw them while she was here?" No one knows where they went to. I go through the trash (knowing I am capable of every absent-minded action). I finally give up and wear flip flops that don't match. Later in the day I am back at the great search. I waste an hour. Thinking, re-thinking, looking through my shoes for the 100th time. Finally, I remember that Someone knows where they are, so I pray "Lord, this is so small, but I love my brown Tevas I really want to find them. Would you please show me where they are. I know it is really not a big deal, but you love to help don't you?" And I quit looking. Ten minutes later I go to put something away and in the Wii box are my favorite sole mates!!!! "YES God! You care, you love to answer, YES you are aware of every detail no matter how small! YES Your eye is on me." Then I fall into a puddle of tears, "If you care so much about things that are insignificant how can I doubt your care for the things that are huge? I believe, forgive my unbelief." My mind is flooded with things that I have worried about, things I have tried to fix. Things I chose to carry instead of release to Him. I let it go, I tell Him about each of my concerns and I leave them there, in His everlasting hands. Peace and rest enter my heart.

This morning I slipped on my flip flops and gratitude welled up in my heart for those ole shoes, but mostly for the reminded that they will now be to me of my Father's keen awareness of every detail of my life.

Psalm 27

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Ps 27:14. This seems to be our song lately. We are waiting. Waiting. Waiting. We spoke with our agency today, we are being included in a staffing on a girl. (that means all the people involved with her are considering us for her family) We need to hear from the Lord. It is hard to try to discern His will. I was so unprepared for this step of the journey. The unknown, the waiting, the wondering...and yet isn't that what these kids have endured for years??? My few months is nothing. So I let my heart take courage and I wait. Fred is amazing through this all. So, steady, so sure of God's good plan.

It seems that the Lord so desires for me to press in and learn to trust when the way is not showing itself to be clear to me. To trust Him that He is active even when things seem dormant. Psalm 1 is a great reminder of the seasons God has for us, all necessary and yet some seem so dead. There are many things that have burdened my heart lately and there seems to be no resolution for any of them, again, I must wait and trust. Trust that He is so good and so kind and so aware of my life and my heart and my longings. Trust that when things seem confusing and unclear that that is only my view, not God's. It is good for me to have to continue to pray and ask my Father for things, it is good to be reminded of my utter dependence on Him. To wake in the morning and run to Him and beg for His action. Oh, how He loves for us to come and beseech HIm and trust Him with child-like faith. Yes, I must run to Him often and request and trust.

Please continue to pray for us as we proceed. We need God's wisdom as we decide on this child. He must lead us. We are lost without Him.

We got the news today that the boy we were hoping to get is going to be with the family CPA had picked for him. He never knew we existed, so for that I am grateful, that made it easier on him, but we are disappointed. We will continue on our journey trusting God for just the right one.

As the day comes to a close I am sitting on my back porch listening to the crickets and to someone's chime sing me a lullaby. Today we thought we might hear some news about a child we want but probably won't get. We didn't hear anything yet about him. So, for tonight, I grab my gratitude journal and write.....(I am grateful for..) His timing, that He knows, the cool night breeze, the back porch, daughters who hang with me, orange smoothies, wheelbarrow rides, Bible study, friends who check on me, "I love you"s, anticipation of corporate prayer, safe arrivals, and of course, bright hope for tomorrow. Thanks for praying for us, we need it.

I thought we should give an update, there is little happening really, but we have submitted on 7 different children (we will only adopt one though). Two boys and 5 girls. We didn't realize this part would take so long, we are anxious to have him/her home with us, but we trust the Lord's timing. Wish there was more to report, but thanks for asking about it and praying for us.

Well, we got news today that we were too late in submitting our home study on the boy we are interested in adopting. They have already picked a family for him, though it is not a done deal. I am grateful he will have a family soon. We are continuing to pray because the process is not complete and it still could change and then we might have a chance at adopting him. I want God to do what is best for the boy, I was hoping that included him becoming our son. I rest, wait and trust, I know the Lord knows what is best. I am so grateful we have the agency we are working with, they really care for us. Please keep praying for us as we go down this road. Thanks.

Psalm 52:9

Yesterday was a hard day. To read words that signify the evil world we live in, real words conveying the details of a real life. Not some movie or some tale from long ago. Words that reveal what our true nature is apart from Christ. My life has been so different than so many. I have never known the hand of abuse or the mental anguish of abandonment. I have never feared for lack of food or shelter. I have never been alone, never lived alone, never wondered if anyone who notice if I disappeared. I am overwhelmed this morning as I see how gentle and kind that Lord has been to me and I am left wondering why. Why is it that I have had it so easy while some have had it so hard? Why was I given to parents who loved and protected me and others were given to parents who would injure? It makes no sense to me and this morning as I began my devotions, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. I am freshly aware that I do not deserve all that I have been given and I am humbled by my heart that thinks at times that I should have more. How can a heart have such contrasting views?? My prayer for today is that I would live today with eyes wide open to God and all of His mercies toward me, that from my lips would come praise and gratitude and not grumbling, that Ps. 52:9 "I will thank you forever" would be my song today, but also that tomorrow when the words of the CPS file fade from my mind, the thanks in my heart would not.

Adoption Stuff

There is a girl in the Texas foster care system we have been eyeing since October. Last week we submitted our home study for her. Today we heard from her case worker and she sent over some files on this 16 year old and requested more info on us. It was so sad. Unfortunately, she would not be a good fit for our family and we have to reply back that we are not interested in pursuing it any further. This is so hard!!!!!

Our home study is also submitted on a young man, 17, who is a christian and desires to live with a godly family. Our case worker raves about him. We are a little late to jump in on this one, but we will try. We did not think we were interested in a boy, but after hearing about him we decided to at least make an attempt. We doubt it will lead to anything.

Tomorrow we sign final papers. I am not even sure what they are, but we will go to the agency we are using and sign stuff and then wait some more. I didn't expect this part to be so hard. I feel horrible that we have to say no to this child and I am sad that we probably are too late to pursue the boy we heard about. I need to pull away and pray and get back to the place of knowing God has already decided what child we will get and no one and no thing and no timing can change that. I wanted to just pick one and have them home with us soon, even though we have been told it doesn't go that way. I did not want to have to read horrible things that have occurred in a child's life and then say we can't do it. Seeing the effects of sin on a child is hard. If you are a young person and your mom and dad loved God and loved you and tried hard to do a good job parenting, I encourage you to thank God for that daily and don't critique your parents' shortcomings, it could have been so much worse. Just read one CPS file, you will never be the same.

First Submission

Today we submitted our home study on 2 different girls, one is 16 one is 12. Twelve is younger than we planned, but we are trying to not be closed minded. We only want one, but our case worker said to submit, submit, submit. She also said we will be receiving a ton of emails of children by the end of the week. Please pray that God will lead us to who He has for us.

Due Date

Well, today was weird. I felt like I was pregnant and it was my due date! I kept waiting for something to happen and nothing happened! No calls, no emails. No word on the adoption, but tonight we decided that tomorrow we will submit our home study for a girl we have been eyeing since October. We have no idea what we will find out about her and if we will continue to pursue her once we get more info, but we have to start somewhere. So, tomorrow, when Fred gets some time, he will call our AFS (the girl who matches us with a child) and tell her we are interested in someone and we will go from there. We are sobered and excited to move on this. Keep praying for our girl!

Adoption Update

We are now done with all of our training (less one class I need to make up) and our home study is completed and now submitted to the person who will be working to match us to a child. So, as of Monday we are cleared to begin with the process of finding the girl God has for us. This is so exciting to us and yet a bit scary. We really feel our need for God to speak to us and lead us to who He has already planned for us to love. We need your prayers!!! Actually, more than that, we need an army of enlisted prayer warriors; people willing to support us in prayer over the lengthy course of time and an ever-changing list of items for which we will desperately need God to reveal himself. Please consider committing yourself to prayer on behalf of one of "the least of these". At the present time,

Please pray-

1. that God would sovereignly work to bring His perfect choice to our family

1. that we would sense the Holy Spirits prompts as we bumble our way through this

2. that we would walk in boldness and not fear

3. that our new daughters heart would be softened to the Gospel

4. that our hearts would fill with love for her very fast

Fred will also be posting on my blog now. :) You will enjoy that! We will be using the blog as our main source of communicating what is happening with the adoption.

Thanks for supporting us and praying for us. We need you!

missing John today

I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t have any idea how life will turn out. I was the one who thinks she needs to know everything before peace can be gained. Not so true anymore. I find myself telling myself, “doesn’t matter what you think, He will do and allow just as He sees fit” and somehow, for some reason, in some way I am growing more comfortable with not knowing. Many times during the day I sent my words to Heaven, “You take it, it’s up to You” and then I nod in surrender. Had I not spoken, He would still take it and He would still rule it, but somehow in the offering I am reminded that I can’t make anything happen and I don’t know how things should be. I think I know how it all should be, but I have seen so many times that my thinking is off kilter.

There are still so many days that I wonder why life was shortened for some. I wanted them to be here longer. To see what I see and to enjoy what I am enjoying. So earthly in thought, I know, but a few more years together, could there be harm? Yet, again, this time with tears I look up and say “You took him, I miss him, they want him here still, but it is up to You. Some day I will know. I will rest for today. I will trust with quiet trust that You work only good for me.”

Then there are days when I want life shorter, that the burdens seem heavy and I gaze off looking for relief from disappointments and fear. Days when Heaven seems so far away and all I want is to be with Him, to sit close and be safe and never have to worry again. Looking up I sigh “You know what is best, I will wait.”

This morning I woke early, earlier than the loved ones, earlier than the sounds of the day and the light of sun. I sat and listened to silence and then unexpectedly I heard the train whistle, the whistle that was no longer to be, the whistle that was outlawed in my city and I smiled...I didn’t expect that to be the first sound I heard this morning, a loved sound to me. I love the train whistle and I have missed it’s presence. And in that silly moment, faith for the day crept in, faith for the future, for I did not expect the whistle, I would have said there will be no more whistle and I would have argued with you that the train whistle in Frisco is a thing of the past, but this morning, while the rest of the world laid closed eyed and unaware, He showed me that He does as He pleases, He controls and hidden in this day are surprises of how aware He is of me and though at times I cannot see it (or hear it), He is always, always showering me with His love and He is always cognizant of my life and He does hold the future in His hand and He is worthy of ever ounce of trust. And I tear up because it is no mistake that 5 minutes after writing that “I miss him” I hear the whistle and the whistle has always reminded me of him.

So, I start this day reminded to look up and surrender, to let go, to hand over all I am grasping, all I think I need to fix, all I want. I pry open my heart and pour out every fear and longing and and knowing and say “You take it Father, You are so much more able, its up to You.” And it comes
like a rush of warm air... rest for my soul.

Open for Adoption

As of Monday we will be officially an "open for adoption" home, which means a child could be matched with us very, very soon. I am excited and scared to death. The agency will begin on Monday to try to match us with a new daughter. I can't believe we are doing this!

To Give Thanks

The picture at the top of my blog shows well what Dallas has looked like lately. White, cold, barren, blustery. It is beautiful and empty at the same time. It seems like the world has stopped and nothing is occurring. The city is halted, the schools are closed, we can't drive to Target...what is this place coming to??!!! In a place that sports winter weather that bounces from 50-70 degrees, two weeks of true winter is alarming.

So, I wake this morning to sleet and the wind calling loudly that he is back. The snow falls with great determination as if it has a plan. And I realize I am home to stay today. Another day that the option to go out is not an option. So, I ponder...

When all looks frozen and dormant it there still life? Is it true that shortly the earth will thaw and I will begin to see hues of green pushing up through the dirt. Is it true that the sun will rise higher in the sky and provide longer days and warmer air? Yes, it is true. Even when the eye cannot see activity, God is active. Though I do not have eyes to see all of His activity and all of His continuing of life, I know it is true. I know it because no matter how long the winter or how cold the days, the spring has always come and the colors have always returned. Splashes of color all over. But, oh that I would have eyes to see even when life seems hidden.

That has been my new challenge, to see God in everything and to give thanks. To slow down and savor and LOOK to find Him. Where is His love pouring through to me today? Amidst the sorrows and struggles and moments of hopelessness and fears, where is He the One who calls me "precious in His sight," the One who promises that no matter what befalls me there is joy available, joy unspeakable. Where is He that One that provides the balm of Gilead, the jar for my tears, the words of truth and the sacrifice of ultimate love? I look for Him. He is findable. He longs for me to seek and find! And when I do see Him, I give thanks. Not just for what is before me, but thanks that I get to see Him. I get to see His gifts and in seeing Him and His gifts I am reminded of His infinite love for me. A love that never lets me go.

I have learned that the only thing that prevents me from seeing Him and giving thanks is when my eyes are fixed inward, on me. So, I work to look out, to see beyond, to seek. I work to wonder and think "where is He?" for I know He is near. Like the game of hide and seek I played with Annie Kate this morning, she walks around saying aloud "Where can Mimi be? I know she is here somewhere! Is she under the couch? Is she behind the door? I will find her." And the sweet 2 year old searches until she finds me and then with great delights squeals "I FOUND YOU!!!!" That is how I want to seek Him and that is the response I want to have every time I see Him, I want my response to be "I see You, thank you."

Short Update

I think it is time for an update. The holiday season came and went so fast. It was one of our simplest Christmases and it was very enjoyable. We had our "Christmas" on Christmas eve morning with our girls and their families, Tyler and Mindy were not with us this year. Then, on Christmas day we flew to Siesta Key, Florida for a week of beach time with Fred's whole family and our girls and theirs. It was a great time to reconnect!

January came and left in a blur. We did everything required for our adoption all in the month of January, less the home study which is this weekend. Then, we enter the matching process. This could be a few days or a few months and then she will be home with us. We are excited, but we are sobered more than anything. I never have seen myself as a dare devil risk taking gal. I like the known things. I like being prepared and everything going according to that plan. This adoption leaves me with so many unknowns. Yet, in the midst of my fears, I hear the voice of God whispering to me to rest and trust. I am utterly dependent on Him. I know I can't do this on my own. I worry about silly things like having to get up early every day to get her to school, or will she be bored with us, or what if she doesn't like my cooking, or what if we are weird to her. The huge things don't seem to enter my mind. Weird, I know.

I have loved seeing what this process is doing to my husband. He is reading, planning, dreaming. He has enough faith for 50 people to adopt. He is so excited and so aware of God's hand and just about every night he speaks words of great courage to me. I love that he is the go getter in this thing. His heart is so tender toward the fatherless, and his desire to do something to help the orphan crisis is so provoking. I love him.

So, if you think of us, please pray. Pray we would know the will of God. Pray we would trust in God alone regardless of how things look, pray we would rest in Him alone.

I can't express it any better, so I won't even try. This is my prayer for this season....

http://allthingshendrick.blogspot.com/2010/12/invisible-gifts.html

Advent

Advent is a season of longing and waiting. God's people longed for their Messiah to come. I have been singing "Come Thou Long Expected Jesus" over and over. This morning I sat in our family room, the only lighting was the lights on the mantle and the Christmas tree. I watch the sun rise an light up the sky with color and beauty. I read about the Savior.

Come thou long-expected Jesus,
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel's strength and consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a Child and yet a King.
Born to reign in us for ever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all-sufficient merit
Raise us to Thy glorious throne

We have done advent devotions and an Advent wreath from time to time, but never has a Christmas come that I felt we did enough to prepare our hearts for Christmas. Busyness creeps in and before you know it we are dealing with wrapping paper and lists and baking and preparing and tiredness. This year I am doing an Advent devotion in the mornings. I am praying each morning for the things we long for...the things only God can give...things far more important than anything on Amazon. I can't even remember what I got as gifts last Christmas, that shows me how unimportant those "needs" really are. If I could make a wish list to give to Jesus maybe it would look like this:

1. That my children would continue to grow more and more like Christ

2. That my grandchildren would come to love the Savior

3. That those who have nothing in this world would somehow see that God loves them and that would bring hope for a better day to come

4. That all the lonely children in the world would be loved by someone and shown the love of the Father

5. That my heart would be broken with the things that break God's heart and

6. That I would be willing to sacrifice it all to be His hands to the broken hearted

7. That joy unspeakable would transform me even in the darkest day

I could go on and on. So, in the early morning, while it is still dark, I have been climbing out of bed and presenting my "wish list" to Jesus. In those moments my heart fills with gratitude for all that He has granted me. My heart breaks for those who do not know Him and for those who are suffering things I read of but can't imagine. My soul longs for Jesus. I so desire to see and know His power and to experience His presence. I so desire to see this broken world find true comfort that only comes from knowing Him.

So, I encourage you to use this Advent season to prepare your heart to celebrate the coming of the Savior of the world. It is not too late to slow down and enjoy all that He has already done. To reflect on the Gift. To wonder what Mary felt. To imagine the faith Joseph exercised. To think of the excitement the shepherds felt. To let go of the things of this world and sing "Come thou long expected Jesus..raise us to thy glorious throne."

Our Next Step

We went to the conference, Together for Adoption, in the beginning of October. It was so educational as we learned about he growing orphan crisis in the world. If there isn't some quick, radical change in how we view this problem and how we view the orphans and some quick radical change on how we respond, the number of orphans will continue to grow exponentially. right now there are somewhere around 163,000,000 orphans in the world. Many are orphaned due to AIDS.

The conference was not emotionally charged. They did not use manipulation to get you to adopt. Actually, the conference was more about ways Christians can care for orphans, adoption being one option, than it was just about adoption. It was about educating us on the crisis and the avenues of change that are already in place. It was about the local church getting involved in some way, any way.

So we went, looking to see how God would want to use us. We went already praying about children in Zambia. We went wondering if our kids would ever adopt and how we could serve them. We went to see how the two of us could fulfill James 1:27.

What we learned will never fade from us. We came face to face with the fact that Fred and I have not done anything to care for any orphans. We were convicted, but oh so gently, by the Holy Spirit that we need to act in some manner. We learned so much. We both felt such a prompting to find a way to care for the fatherless.

One evening I was very convicted of that we have developed a skewed view of sacrifice. That what we think is generous is not. That we have SO much and yet think we need more. That our suburban life has lulled us to sleep and we have forgotten the needy. I had already been feeling some of that for about a year. But, at the conference I really felt sadness of what I have come to think is normal living. I have more than 99% of the world will ever have. I am accountable for that which has been given to me. Fred says that generosity is measured, not by how much you give, by but how much you sacrifice when you give. I love it. Yes, I want to give sacrificially. I want to live sacrificially.

So, in the practical. We are praying. We have no idea what God is asking us to do. Fred and I have faith for us to just begin walking and see what doors the Lord opens and closes. We have begun the process to be trained to adopt a teenage girl from the foster care system. I don't know if we will end up with another daughter or if God has us in the training to support other families that do. We are looking into how we can support a ministry for Zambian orphans whose base is right here in Frisco. We are praying about going to Zambia next summer. They need men who will commit to go every year to train the boys. Fred would be so good at that. We are also looking into how we could get the children there a college education. $2000 would educate a Zambian kid with four years of college. There are so many ways we could serve. So many ministries that could use help. So many kids that need a home. We are just trying to discern what we are to do. Please pray for us to know the will of God and obey regardless of the cost. I see first hand the beauty of adoption. I have a niece and 2 nephews who were rescued by adoption. Their lives are beautiful pictures of how God has rescued me and called me his own.

I will leave you with a quote from a blogger I enjoy and respect, Heather Hendrick:

"I hope we all remember that we don't adopt because our hearts are stirred by some pictures on the Internet. We adopt because our hearts have been stirred by the gospel. We adopt because Christ invites us to play a part in redeeming all things on this earth. He enables us to extend love, forgiveness, and grace to children who have been hurt, abused, and neglected. Sometimes that's not easy, and it doesn't come natural. Sometimes it takes a lot of work, a lot of repentance, and a lot of forgiveness. We adopt because God loves adoption, and He says to care for the orphan. He says children are a blessing. He says to imitate Him, and thankfully He's adopted a whole heck of a lot of children. We adopt because we have been adopted in spite of all our dysfunction, our rebellion, our anger, and our insecurity. We've been shown grace and mercy, and so we extend grace and mercy.

I pray we ask the Lord what it looks like for each of us...each family...each church to love and care for the orphan in distress. Regardless of how hard it can be, when we care for the orphan, God is inviting us to come face to face with the gospel. He's inviting us to hold it in our laps. Is there any greater gift?"