Really, I am NOT a Crier!

"I am not a crier" I declared over breakfast with some friends, (as I tell them how I have been crying so much lately.) I, also, said that to my sister recently. Yet, in reality, I have become quite good at it. I have become what I said I wasn't. Yesterday, I could not control my tears all during worship and then all during the message at church. (this has happened a lot lately, but not in public) On the way home in the car I speak out loud to the Lord. "What in the world is going on??? Why cannot I control these tears, my life is not some tragedy." And then comically, tears pour down my face. I roll my eyes and then smile at the lady in the car next to me who is staring at me.

This morning I revisit those thoughts. I asked the Lord again "Why? Why are tears right there at every moment..am I not trusting you, is my gaze too earthly, am I being selfish, self-focused, am I lacking strength because I don't run to You, am I in unbelief??? Why am I a mess?" Of course, as I am talking with Jesus tears are dripping down my morning face (not pretty). I, then recall, that in the message yesterday Craig reminded us the Jesus will wipe away every tear and I am now trying to imagine how big the box of kleenex designated for me will need to be when I get to see Him face to face! I laugh and say out loud, good thing you own everything because You are gonna need every hankie for this girl.

As I continue to pray I feel the tender rest that only the Lord can bring and He reminds me that I asked Him to break my heart with what breaks His and help me to be His hands and feet, to help me to be faithful in whatever He calls me to regardless of the price. I realize that my tears are tied to the growing burden I feel for the fatherless, the least of these and for the wandering sheep. I so want the love of Jesus to break through and renew the brokenhearted, to bring back the prodigals, to rescue those who are enslaved by others or by sin, I want the orphan to know the security of God the Father AND the tender touch of being tucked in at night. My heart is so desiring to see God move in peoples lives in radical ways and to do the same in my life. I so want to live the rest of my life in full abandonment to Him and Him alone, and yet, in all truth, that scares the heebie geebies out of me. And then when I think that these tears are part of the new thing He is doing in me, it scares me even more. Who wants to be the crazy old lady that cries all the time???? I would so prefer the composed, solid, wise, women role!

As I wrapped up my devotions I still felt a bit confused about it all (and tears are still a flowin'), but one thing I think I came away with is that when I said I wanted my heart to reflect His heart, well I really don't think I really knew what I was really saying, and yet...I have no regrets.

Trying to Give Thanks

This year I began a Gratitude Journal. I was prompted by Ann Voskamp's blog and book One Thousand Gifts. Each day I would write things I was thankful for...coffee, family, a tender word, a child's giggle etc. I have been pretty regular in keeping up. I was learning to look for thinks to be thankful for in each day, gifts from God himself. I saw a change in my heart and my words, I felt like I was growing in gratitude. Unfortunately, I have slowed down.

In July I got stuck. It was not that I didn't see anything I was thankful for. It was just that some things happened that I didn't want to happen, my Mom was diagnosed with cancer, and somethings didn't happen that I wanted, our adoption of two kids. And there is where I am stuck. I can't seem to get back in the groove of seeing each day as an opportunity to see God in things. I can't seem to get beyond things that did not go my way. So, my journal has just sat.

This morning as I was praying I was talking to the Lord about my inability to be grateful for what is, I want something else. "Help me to trust that THIS is GOOD, help me to rest in your sovereign will." If thanksgiving is the evidence of accepting whatever He gives and I am not giving thanks, then I am refusing to believe that what He gives is good and I am saying I know better than God. His Word says that He works all things for my good and that He will not withhold anything that is good for me. I go back and read this quote from One Thousand Gifts...

"You would be very ashamed if you knew what the experiences you call setbacks, upheavals, pointless disturbances and tedious annoyances really are. You would realize that your complaints about them are nothing more nor less than blasphemies-though that never occurs to you. Nothing happens to you except by the will of God and yet God's beloved children curse it because they do not know what it is!"

Hmm, yes, I am a blasphemer when I refuse to give thanks for all that He has done and when I decide that His will is not good and perfect for me. I see my error, I repent, I ask my precious Jesus to forgive me for my pride and foolishness, He has shown me His goodness, how is it I can forget so quickly? and I begin listing again in my gratitude journal...

...cancer killing drugs

...strength in trials

...Your heart for the fatherless

...Your forgiveness of your children's errors

...a new morning

....vacations

...time with Mom and Dad

...time with my sister

...laughter with my niece and nephews

...my steadfast husband

...safe arrival home

Black Eyed Susans

I recently recalled a memory from way back. The first summer we lived in Denver I was amazed at the Black Eyed Susans that were growing all over the place. We saw them in open spaces and along the side of the road. I loved them, they displayed to me what Colorado was, a beautiful open place full of the glory of God's creation. So, naturally, when it came time to do our backyard I begged Fred to leave some of the Black Eyes Susans that had grown wildly on our property. I thought they would add to the Colorado look of the yard we were planning. He called them weeds, but I argued that they were native plants and that they would look great with the boulders in our yard. So, Fred agreed to leave a small batch in the back corners of the yard. Unfortunately, by the third year we were being overrun by my beloved flowers. They were trying to kill off everything in sight and the reality was they were out of control and they had to be dug up and thrown away. They were weeds! They were unruly and competing with the plants we were trying to cultivate in our gardens. Though they were beautiful they were capable of choking everything good in our yard. I had foolishly thought I could tame them!

The Lord brought that story to my mind recently as I thought about sin in my life. He reminded me that I think I can control it all, just like I thought I could control the weeds. I thought I could contain it to small areas of my heart and not let it get out of hand. He reminded me that I must be aggressive and root sin out, the whole plant including the root, l must work diligent to be rid of sin it will regrow. He reminded me that I am foolish to think a little won't hurt or be hard to contain. But, then I felt discouraged, I felt like I had tried to root it all out, I had tried to suffocate sin and deny it oxygen, but it keeps growing. As I sat there I felt like the Lord came along side me ever so gently are reminded me of the Black Eyed Susans, He reminded me of how we had to work had to dig deep and remove them, but then He reminded me that it was Him who provided our strength to dig and dig and the wisdom to be diligent to keep checking for new growth of the weeds. Yes, it was all of Him, apart from Him we would not have even known the yard was in danger of being a Black Eyes Susan field, it looked pretty to my eyes. We can't do anything a part from Him. And most importantly He reminded me that morning that He takes great delight in helping me and doing it for me. He loves to be my all in all. He is glorified when His power is made known in my weakness. I don't need to do it on my own, He will give me everything I need for life and godliness. He will be faithful to show me areas that need to be changed and then He is faithful to provide for me everything I need to complete the task at hand. Isn't He so good??!!

Mark 4:35-41

I took a little detour from studying the Gospel of John and hopped over to Mark for a few days. There is no reason for this, just did it on a whim. I have been stuck in Mark 4:35-41. Jesus is in a boat with the disciples, he is sleeping. A big ole Texas-like windstorm kicks up and the disciples wake Jesus and ask him "don't you care that we are perishing?" Jesus speaks "Peace, be still" the storm obeys him and then Jesus turns to his friends and says "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?"

There is so much here to meditate on. First, the assumption from the disciples that because they are in a storm, Jesus must not care. Isn't that an assumption I often make? In the midst of difficulty or discomfort I can be so quick to assume He is not caring. Yet, I know He can never be anything but caring for me. The Psalms are filled with promises of His care for us. We are told His eye is always on us, he cannot forsake us, he is mindful of every thing that pertains to us. If I rehearse the scriptures I will not go to the place of thinking He does not care. (On a side not, they thought they were perishing, I must remember, my days are already numbered and no one and no thing can cause me to perish unless it is the appointed moment that He already has determined.)

Then, Jesus speaks. He just speaks and the wind ceases and there is great calm. Great calm. Great calm. All He did was speak!!! No more waves, no more wind. I must be reminded of the power of His words. With a word He spoke creation into being. With a word He stops the raging storms. His words are amazingly powerful and it would do me good to pay attention to the red lettered words and recall them often.

Then, Jesus asks "Why are you so afraid? Have you still no faith?" Now if I were asking someone that question I think I would be asking with exasperation and condemnation, but I bet Jesus asked it full of compassion and mercy. I bet he asked it like a mom would ask a fevered child if they were feeling any better. Concerned for their soul's well being, maybe a bit disappointed at the lack of growth in His friends, but filled with tenderhearted compassion. Ugh, I have much to learn here.

Lastly, verse 41 says "and they were filled with great fear and said to one another 'Who then is this, that even the wind and sea obey him?" CRAZY...they go from fear of the storm and begging Jesus to save them to fear of Jesus because He calmed the storm and saved them!!! They went from one fear to another. Oh, don't I do that? Once the thing I fear is resolved I can so quickly decide something else is to be concerned about. Why is it so hard to just rest and trust and know He is in control of everything, every storm, every gale, every wind, every joy, every blessing?

I am convinced the only way out of these patterns is to know the word of God. To meditate on the truths of scripture. To bask in the wonderful power the word has. To repeat it over and over and speak it to myself and to others. To have it hid in my heart that I might not sin against Him.

We got word today that one of our options is not an option anymore. There was a 13 year old girl we were considering adopting, the workers involved in her case had narrowed it down to 2 families, us and someone else. In the end, the other family was picked. We actually feel really good about their decision, we had some hesitations, but it was still a bit hard. I want the process to be over. We have some other things brewing, but no idea if anything will pan out. So, we wait. We continue to pray for God's will and we continue to feel love and longing in our hearts for someone we haven't even met. It is crazy.

Part of me wants to remind God that this whole shenanigans was His idea and we are just trying to obey so if He could get with the program and get us a kid we would appreciate it! Then I remember that God is about the whole thing, the whole process, not just the end result. He is about fashioning all of us and teaching all of us and stretching all of us so that His glory may be revealed. Oh yeah, I remember now, it is all about Him, not me!

So tonight, I cry a bit and remind my soul that He is working and He will do it. I go back and pray over every kid we are submitted on, I relinquish my hold on my agenda, my way, my idea and my timing. And of course, I grab my my Gratitude Journal and add some more entries...

...the process

...refiner's fire

...Hand picked delays

...hope for a "yes" soon

...a few more mornings that I don't have to take someone to school

...assurance of His good will

...rest in my heart

Adoption Stuff

Well, the journey has been longer than we expected, but in all reality, it is still not a long wait. We have been praying and waiting and wondering. We have tried to live life as if everything is normal, but we can't help but add "once we get our child..." to many sentences....like "we should go on a get-a-way weekend because once we get our child we may not be able to go for a while." So, we are waiting and trying to act like nothing is going to change.

It has been a bit hard because we thought we would have had a child placed with us by now, but it is a great reminder to us that these kids have been waiting a really, really long time. Anyway, there are a couple of things brewing. It is too much info to get into and it all may fall through, but will you pray for us? Monday may be a big day for us. Please pray that our hearts would respond in faith toward God no matter what news we hear and please pray we would know God's will and obey. We are desperate know God's will and to follow it. I know He is eager to lead us.

I will fill in all the details once something is clear, it just isn't helpful to ride the emotional rollercoaster and then have to get back to everyone with details that didn't pan out.

Thanks for encouraging us so often and asking for the latest update. We feel your love and support as we continue along.

I just could not find them. I searched and racked my brain, when did I wear them last?? How long have my favorite pair of flip flops been missing? I back track...I ask my girls "What was I wearing on Saturday? Oh, yes my Old Navy pink shirt, did I have on my brown flip flops?" Then a call to another girl "Can you ask Violet if she remembers me wearing my flip flops or if she saw them while she was here?" No one knows where they went to. I go through the trash (knowing I am capable of every absent-minded action). I finally give up and wear flip flops that don't match. Later in the day I am back at the great search. I waste an hour. Thinking, re-thinking, looking through my shoes for the 100th time. Finally, I remember that Someone knows where they are, so I pray "Lord, this is so small, but I love my brown Tevas I really want to find them. Would you please show me where they are. I know it is really not a big deal, but you love to help don't you?" And I quit looking. Ten minutes later I go to put something away and in the Wii box are my favorite sole mates!!!! "YES God! You care, you love to answer, YES you are aware of every detail no matter how small! YES Your eye is on me." Then I fall into a puddle of tears, "If you care so much about things that are insignificant how can I doubt your care for the things that are huge? I believe, forgive my unbelief." My mind is flooded with things that I have worried about, things I have tried to fix. Things I chose to carry instead of release to Him. I let it go, I tell Him about each of my concerns and I leave them there, in His everlasting hands. Peace and rest enter my heart.

This morning I slipped on my flip flops and gratitude welled up in my heart for those ole shoes, but mostly for the reminded that they will now be to me of my Father's keen awareness of every detail of my life.

Psalm 27

"Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!" Ps 27:14. This seems to be our song lately. We are waiting. Waiting. Waiting. We spoke with our agency today, we are being included in a staffing on a girl. (that means all the people involved with her are considering us for her family) We need to hear from the Lord. It is hard to try to discern His will. I was so unprepared for this step of the journey. The unknown, the waiting, the wondering...and yet isn't that what these kids have endured for years??? My few months is nothing. So I let my heart take courage and I wait. Fred is amazing through this all. So, steady, so sure of God's good plan.

It seems that the Lord so desires for me to press in and learn to trust when the way is not showing itself to be clear to me. To trust Him that He is active even when things seem dormant. Psalm 1 is a great reminder of the seasons God has for us, all necessary and yet some seem so dead. There are many things that have burdened my heart lately and there seems to be no resolution for any of them, again, I must wait and trust. Trust that He is so good and so kind and so aware of my life and my heart and my longings. Trust that when things seem confusing and unclear that that is only my view, not God's. It is good for me to have to continue to pray and ask my Father for things, it is good to be reminded of my utter dependence on Him. To wake in the morning and run to Him and beg for His action. Oh, how He loves for us to come and beseech HIm and trust Him with child-like faith. Yes, I must run to Him often and request and trust.

Please continue to pray for us as we proceed. We need God's wisdom as we decide on this child. He must lead us. We are lost without Him.

We got the news today that the boy we were hoping to get is going to be with the family CPA had picked for him. He never knew we existed, so for that I am grateful, that made it easier on him, but we are disappointed. We will continue on our journey trusting God for just the right one.

As the day comes to a close I am sitting on my back porch listening to the crickets and to someone's chime sing me a lullaby. Today we thought we might hear some news about a child we want but probably won't get. We didn't hear anything yet about him. So, for tonight, I grab my gratitude journal and write.....(I am grateful for..) His timing, that He knows, the cool night breeze, the back porch, daughters who hang with me, orange smoothies, wheelbarrow rides, Bible study, friends who check on me, "I love you"s, anticipation of corporate prayer, safe arrivals, and of course, bright hope for tomorrow. Thanks for praying for us, we need it.

I thought we should give an update, there is little happening really, but we have submitted on 7 different children (we will only adopt one though). Two boys and 5 girls. We didn't realize this part would take so long, we are anxious to have him/her home with us, but we trust the Lord's timing. Wish there was more to report, but thanks for asking about it and praying for us.

Well, we got news today that we were too late in submitting our home study on the boy we are interested in adopting. They have already picked a family for him, though it is not a done deal. I am grateful he will have a family soon. We are continuing to pray because the process is not complete and it still could change and then we might have a chance at adopting him. I want God to do what is best for the boy, I was hoping that included him becoming our son. I rest, wait and trust, I know the Lord knows what is best. I am so grateful we have the agency we are working with, they really care for us. Please keep praying for us as we go down this road. Thanks.

Psalm 52:9

Yesterday was a hard day. To read words that signify the evil world we live in, real words conveying the details of a real life. Not some movie or some tale from long ago. Words that reveal what our true nature is apart from Christ. My life has been so different than so many. I have never known the hand of abuse or the mental anguish of abandonment. I have never feared for lack of food or shelter. I have never been alone, never lived alone, never wondered if anyone who notice if I disappeared. I am overwhelmed this morning as I see how gentle and kind that Lord has been to me and I am left wondering why. Why is it that I have had it so easy while some have had it so hard? Why was I given to parents who loved and protected me and others were given to parents who would injure? It makes no sense to me and this morning as I began my devotions, my heart was overwhelmed with gratitude. I am freshly aware that I do not deserve all that I have been given and I am humbled by my heart that thinks at times that I should have more. How can a heart have such contrasting views?? My prayer for today is that I would live today with eyes wide open to God and all of His mercies toward me, that from my lips would come praise and gratitude and not grumbling, that Ps. 52:9 "I will thank you forever" would be my song today, but also that tomorrow when the words of the CPS file fade from my mind, the thanks in my heart would not.

Adoption Stuff

There is a girl in the Texas foster care system we have been eyeing since October. Last week we submitted our home study for her. Today we heard from her case worker and she sent over some files on this 16 year old and requested more info on us. It was so sad. Unfortunately, she would not be a good fit for our family and we have to reply back that we are not interested in pursuing it any further. This is so hard!!!!!

Our home study is also submitted on a young man, 17, who is a christian and desires to live with a godly family. Our case worker raves about him. We are a little late to jump in on this one, but we will try. We did not think we were interested in a boy, but after hearing about him we decided to at least make an attempt. We doubt it will lead to anything.

Tomorrow we sign final papers. I am not even sure what they are, but we will go to the agency we are using and sign stuff and then wait some more. I didn't expect this part to be so hard. I feel horrible that we have to say no to this child and I am sad that we probably are too late to pursue the boy we heard about. I need to pull away and pray and get back to the place of knowing God has already decided what child we will get and no one and no thing and no timing can change that. I wanted to just pick one and have them home with us soon, even though we have been told it doesn't go that way. I did not want to have to read horrible things that have occurred in a child's life and then say we can't do it. Seeing the effects of sin on a child is hard. If you are a young person and your mom and dad loved God and loved you and tried hard to do a good job parenting, I encourage you to thank God for that daily and don't critique your parents' shortcomings, it could have been so much worse. Just read one CPS file, you will never be the same.

First Submission

Today we submitted our home study on 2 different girls, one is 16 one is 12. Twelve is younger than we planned, but we are trying to not be closed minded. We only want one, but our case worker said to submit, submit, submit. She also said we will be receiving a ton of emails of children by the end of the week. Please pray that God will lead us to who He has for us.

Due Date

Well, today was weird. I felt like I was pregnant and it was my due date! I kept waiting for something to happen and nothing happened! No calls, no emails. No word on the adoption, but tonight we decided that tomorrow we will submit our home study for a girl we have been eyeing since October. We have no idea what we will find out about her and if we will continue to pursue her once we get more info, but we have to start somewhere. So, tomorrow, when Fred gets some time, he will call our AFS (the girl who matches us with a child) and tell her we are interested in someone and we will go from there. We are sobered and excited to move on this. Keep praying for our girl!

Adoption Update

We are now done with all of our training (less one class I need to make up) and our home study is completed and now submitted to the person who will be working to match us to a child. So, as of Monday we are cleared to begin with the process of finding the girl God has for us. This is so exciting to us and yet a bit scary. We really feel our need for God to speak to us and lead us to who He has already planned for us to love. We need your prayers!!! Actually, more than that, we need an army of enlisted prayer warriors; people willing to support us in prayer over the lengthy course of time and an ever-changing list of items for which we will desperately need God to reveal himself. Please consider committing yourself to prayer on behalf of one of "the least of these". At the present time,

Please pray-

1. that God would sovereignly work to bring His perfect choice to our family

1. that we would sense the Holy Spirits prompts as we bumble our way through this

2. that we would walk in boldness and not fear

3. that our new daughters heart would be softened to the Gospel

4. that our hearts would fill with love for her very fast

Fred will also be posting on my blog now. :) You will enjoy that! We will be using the blog as our main source of communicating what is happening with the adoption.

Thanks for supporting us and praying for us. We need you!

missing John today

I don’t know what is going to happen. I don’t have any idea how life will turn out. I was the one who thinks she needs to know everything before peace can be gained. Not so true anymore. I find myself telling myself, “doesn’t matter what you think, He will do and allow just as He sees fit” and somehow, for some reason, in some way I am growing more comfortable with not knowing. Many times during the day I sent my words to Heaven, “You take it, it’s up to You” and then I nod in surrender. Had I not spoken, He would still take it and He would still rule it, but somehow in the offering I am reminded that I can’t make anything happen and I don’t know how things should be. I think I know how it all should be, but I have seen so many times that my thinking is off kilter.

There are still so many days that I wonder why life was shortened for some. I wanted them to be here longer. To see what I see and to enjoy what I am enjoying. So earthly in thought, I know, but a few more years together, could there be harm? Yet, again, this time with tears I look up and say “You took him, I miss him, they want him here still, but it is up to You. Some day I will know. I will rest for today. I will trust with quiet trust that You work only good for me.”

Then there are days when I want life shorter, that the burdens seem heavy and I gaze off looking for relief from disappointments and fear. Days when Heaven seems so far away and all I want is to be with Him, to sit close and be safe and never have to worry again. Looking up I sigh “You know what is best, I will wait.”

This morning I woke early, earlier than the loved ones, earlier than the sounds of the day and the light of sun. I sat and listened to silence and then unexpectedly I heard the train whistle, the whistle that was no longer to be, the whistle that was outlawed in my city and I smiled...I didn’t expect that to be the first sound I heard this morning, a loved sound to me. I love the train whistle and I have missed it’s presence. And in that silly moment, faith for the day crept in, faith for the future, for I did not expect the whistle, I would have said there will be no more whistle and I would have argued with you that the train whistle in Frisco is a thing of the past, but this morning, while the rest of the world laid closed eyed and unaware, He showed me that He does as He pleases, He controls and hidden in this day are surprises of how aware He is of me and though at times I cannot see it (or hear it), He is always, always showering me with His love and He is always cognizant of my life and He does hold the future in His hand and He is worthy of ever ounce of trust. And I tear up because it is no mistake that 5 minutes after writing that “I miss him” I hear the whistle and the whistle has always reminded me of him.

So, I start this day reminded to look up and surrender, to let go, to hand over all I am grasping, all I think I need to fix, all I want. I pry open my heart and pour out every fear and longing and and knowing and say “You take it Father, You are so much more able, its up to You.” And it comes
like a rush of warm air... rest for my soul.

Open for Adoption

As of Monday we will be officially an "open for adoption" home, which means a child could be matched with us very, very soon. I am excited and scared to death. The agency will begin on Monday to try to match us with a new daughter. I can't believe we are doing this!

To Give Thanks

The picture at the top of my blog shows well what Dallas has looked like lately. White, cold, barren, blustery. It is beautiful and empty at the same time. It seems like the world has stopped and nothing is occurring. The city is halted, the schools are closed, we can't drive to Target...what is this place coming to??!!! In a place that sports winter weather that bounces from 50-70 degrees, two weeks of true winter is alarming.

So, I wake this morning to sleet and the wind calling loudly that he is back. The snow falls with great determination as if it has a plan. And I realize I am home to stay today. Another day that the option to go out is not an option. So, I ponder...

When all looks frozen and dormant it there still life? Is it true that shortly the earth will thaw and I will begin to see hues of green pushing up through the dirt. Is it true that the sun will rise higher in the sky and provide longer days and warmer air? Yes, it is true. Even when the eye cannot see activity, God is active. Though I do not have eyes to see all of His activity and all of His continuing of life, I know it is true. I know it because no matter how long the winter or how cold the days, the spring has always come and the colors have always returned. Splashes of color all over. But, oh that I would have eyes to see even when life seems hidden.

That has been my new challenge, to see God in everything and to give thanks. To slow down and savor and LOOK to find Him. Where is His love pouring through to me today? Amidst the sorrows and struggles and moments of hopelessness and fears, where is He the One who calls me "precious in His sight," the One who promises that no matter what befalls me there is joy available, joy unspeakable. Where is He that One that provides the balm of Gilead, the jar for my tears, the words of truth and the sacrifice of ultimate love? I look for Him. He is findable. He longs for me to seek and find! And when I do see Him, I give thanks. Not just for what is before me, but thanks that I get to see Him. I get to see His gifts and in seeing Him and His gifts I am reminded of His infinite love for me. A love that never lets me go.

I have learned that the only thing that prevents me from seeing Him and giving thanks is when my eyes are fixed inward, on me. So, I work to look out, to see beyond, to seek. I work to wonder and think "where is He?" for I know He is near. Like the game of hide and seek I played with Annie Kate this morning, she walks around saying aloud "Where can Mimi be? I know she is here somewhere! Is she under the couch? Is she behind the door? I will find her." And the sweet 2 year old searches until she finds me and then with great delights squeals "I FOUND YOU!!!!" That is how I want to seek Him and that is the response I want to have every time I see Him, I want my response to be "I see You, thank you."

Short Update

I think it is time for an update. The holiday season came and went so fast. It was one of our simplest Christmases and it was very enjoyable. We had our "Christmas" on Christmas eve morning with our girls and their families, Tyler and Mindy were not with us this year. Then, on Christmas day we flew to Siesta Key, Florida for a week of beach time with Fred's whole family and our girls and theirs. It was a great time to reconnect!

January came and left in a blur. We did everything required for our adoption all in the month of January, less the home study which is this weekend. Then, we enter the matching process. This could be a few days or a few months and then she will be home with us. We are excited, but we are sobered more than anything. I never have seen myself as a dare devil risk taking gal. I like the known things. I like being prepared and everything going according to that plan. This adoption leaves me with so many unknowns. Yet, in the midst of my fears, I hear the voice of God whispering to me to rest and trust. I am utterly dependent on Him. I know I can't do this on my own. I worry about silly things like having to get up early every day to get her to school, or will she be bored with us, or what if she doesn't like my cooking, or what if we are weird to her. The huge things don't seem to enter my mind. Weird, I know.

I have loved seeing what this process is doing to my husband. He is reading, planning, dreaming. He has enough faith for 50 people to adopt. He is so excited and so aware of God's hand and just about every night he speaks words of great courage to me. I love that he is the go getter in this thing. His heart is so tender toward the fatherless, and his desire to do something to help the orphan crisis is so provoking. I love him.

So, if you think of us, please pray. Pray we would know the will of God. Pray we would trust in God alone regardless of how things look, pray we would rest in Him alone.